though feeling cheated is not the same as lying to oneself, the same way that giving up is not the same as surrender. I raise the white flag and give up. I have given up on you. I surrender on you. finally we are starting to communicate more effectively. surrender, for example, at least entails a sense of recognition. giving up is more like hiding in bed all day. today it rained. and no one could find me in my secret room. I emptied the pillowcase and raised it like a flag. but I no longer recognize you, the one who has come to save the world. or unify all the cat people. some people want to be cats and some claim to drink fresh human blood. not the cats. cats kill with their kiss. my vampire fetish has nothing to do with death. I'm just saying, i explain to S, when she leans over the can and let's it all go. she said it was a bad doughnut. and I've never had any blood on my hands. S says we should make a more specific plan. i could recruit student soldiers but they are busy working on their descriptions of space, how space is manipulated in the name of capitalism. S tells me not to use that word out loud. Ed calls it wealthy desires. desire in this case is more than a drive. it eats organs in the dark like werewolves on crack. of course that's just a metaphor. S reminds me of our positive language project. and I practice: friend, love, rainbow. I say each one with a pause of 5 seconds in between, wait for world peace. but Buddhists sit for days and months meditating on positive words and that's not working. anyway, I decide to do an experiment. to each person I meet I will say: friend, love, rainbow, and see what that will accomplish. in the meantime S and I are also planning a letter campaign. simultaneous strategies work best.

slipping. slipping. hold on to what you will. but beware. what you will hold will not hold you. fortune cookie advice. everytime. i tell the students not to make plans and they gasp. S tells me, again, not to scare them. they are here to make plans. to realize plans made. to plan on a future of plans. future engineers of america. they forget there are no jobs no money no america. united states of walmart. a walmart for every state. engineer that. S tells me to remember what happened with the babies. not to scare the students. someone should hope. it works occasionally. until the next campaign at least. how much to hold on to and for how long is a more important question. or it is a question. i mean what are we holding on to? the right to hold on to anything, or nothing? the right to choose the mall on saturdays and relegate holding on to tuesday through thursday? the right to give up any rights? this has all been said before. but we are still not listening. S is right. this doesn't lie with the students. the man of hope, he is simply exercising his right to fail. without blame. it's not his fault that everyone else is united in not being united. some of us are buying fruit and some of us are spraying imposter perfume on our necks. aisles and aisles apart. the metaphorical aisle has multiplied exponentially. and the people are moving in every direction. S would like me to believe there can still be some sort of competition. What, like from KMart? I say. don't laugh, everyone is entitled to a comeback. I am still planning my own, going back to my football days. i just need to land the right corporate sponsor. S convinces me to introduce the students to the concept of hope. let them argue the stakes. i tell her hope is a thing of many feathers. and don't feathered creatures molt, eventually? S tells me I am again letting my own insecurities ruin my potential political endeavors. and i agree. though i did read the article three times, the one about never referring to myself as fat or stupid. not even in private. these can undermine one's self esteem thereby causing a tidal wave of negative consequences. if i could stop eating the chips, i realize, i could save the world. in the meantime i'm busy with weight challenges and intellectual journeys. S agreed we should start using more positive language. is that the same as realistic language? is hope the same then as myth, or fantasy. those are nice, positive words that make my self esteem feel just fine. hope on the other hand, makes me feel cheated