though feeling cheated is not the same as lying to oneself, the same way that giving up is not the same as surrender. I raise the white flag and give up. I have given up on you. I surrender on you. finally we are starting to communicate more effectively. surrender, for example, at least entails a sense of recognition. giving up is more like hiding in bed all day. today it rained. and no one could find me in my secret room. I emptied the pillowcase and raised it like a flag. but I no longer recognize you, the one who has come to save the world. or unify all the cat people. some people want to be cats and some claim to drink fresh human blood. not the cats. cats kill with their kiss. my vampire fetish has nothing to do with death. I'm just saying, i explain to S, when she leans over the can and let's it all go. she said it was a bad doughnut. and I've never had any blood on my hands. S says we should make a more specific plan. i could recruit student soldiers but they are busy working on their descriptions of space, how space is manipulated in the name of capitalism. S tells me not to use that word out loud. Ed calls it wealthy desires. desire in this case is more than a drive. it eats organs in the dark like werewolves on crack. of course that's just a metaphor. S reminds me of our positive language project. and I practice: friend, love, rainbow. I say each one with a pause of 5 seconds in between, wait for world peace. but Buddhists sit for days and months meditating on positive words and that's not working. anyway, I decide to do an experiment. to each person I meet I will say: friend, love, rainbow, and see what that will accomplish. in the meantime S and I are also planning a letter campaign. simultaneous strategies work best.